Rituals and Exchanges - Tales of the Parodyverse

“Where’s the cake?” Trickshot asked, pushing his way into the condo’s kitchen. “It doesn’t have coconut on it, does it? Nothin’ ruins a cake quicker than coconut.”

“Cake?” Visionary asked, fidgeting in his ceremonial mantle (really just his basic yellow topcoat, but with fancy epilates added onto the shoulders and an intricate scrolling in copper colored thread along the cuffs and collar, courtesy of Samantha Bonnington.) “There’s cake now?” he checked with Fleabot, thinking that maybe there was an upside to this Vina Drea ceremony after all.

“There’s no cake” the tiny robot replied, crushing both their hopes with casual disregard. “There was supposed to be a slow-roasted razor-beaked bloodhog, but we didn’t get the Shoggoth a grocery list before he went to Caph IX, and so we had to improvise.”

The back door banged open, and Sarah Shepherdson and Mr. Papadopopolis shouldered their way in hefting a tremendous amount of food. “Catering’s here!” she called out happily. “We got your Gyros platter, we got your Pastichio, we got your Moussakas, we got your Dolemades and a nice Kolkinisto, servings for fifty.”

“Is any of that cake?” Trickshot triple checked.

“Nope.”

“Dammit… Just wait until I get my hands on Dancer…” he grumbled, pushing his way back out into the living room. “Come on… it’s a party… you’ll love it… she sez… What kind of flipping fancy-pants party has no beer and no cake…”

The robust Greek caterer paused in setting the platters down on the counter. “What’s the fuss now about cake? Nobody tell me to bring cake…”

“Um… it’s okay Mr. P. This is great… Everything smells really… exotic.” Visionary assured the man after a strong whiff of feta cleared his nostrils. “And we’re really thankful you could take our order on such short notice.”

“Ah… for one of most loyal and famous customers, is not a problem!” the man replied, engulfing the Regular’s hand in his own and pumping furiously. “I don’t watch a lot of the television… is broke. But Sarah tell me all about your daring deeds! We hang your picture on wall of honor… Next time you come in, you sign… ‘To Mr. P, all my best –the Hatman’.”

Visionary glanced at Sarah, who just shrugged. “Um… sure thing” he agreed.

“Such a nice boy” Mr. Papadopopolis remarked to his waitress as he headed back out to his truck. “It going to be a beautiful wedding.”

“Just to be sure… I… um… I’m not marrying anybody today, am I?” Visionary asked, turning back to Sarah. “I have no idea what’s going on” he confided.

“You poor thing…” she said in sympathy, laying a consoling hand on his cheek. Then she drew it back and slapped him soundly.

“Gah!” Visionary complained, wincing in pain.

“Sorry” Sarah said somewhat honestly. “But somebody from my gender had to do it… And Lisa wanted to use a sock full of quarters.”

“How kind of you to take pity on me” he grumbled.

“We figured one human rights violation at a time” Lisa’s voice called out pleasantly from the door to the living room. The first lady of the Lair Legion was decked out in a sharply tailored suit and carried a briefcase, marking her as officially on the clock. “The gang’s all here… time to get this show on the road… literally.”

Reality unfolded to spew Visionary face first onto the sandy beach alongside a crashing white surf and a deep blue sea. He lay there a moment and tried not to gibber like a mad man.

Are you alright? the Shoggoth gurgled as it finished impossibly unfolding itself and the ceremony guests back into the more perceptible corners of time and space.

“Fine… fine” Visionary waved absently, still face down. “It gets easier each time. Really.”

“Don’t mind him…” Lisa assured the elder creature, slightly woozy herself. “He has much the same problem getting off an escalator.”

“I say…” Dr. Blargelslarch noted in a queasy voice, “Thank the gods I’m not a physicist, or I do believe I would have to kill myself.”

“Apparently my new interphasic shielding still doesn’t quite negate the side effects of the Shoggoth’s unique form of travel…” a somewhat green and shaking Al B. Harper noted. “But as a physicist, I’m inclined to give your suggestion some serious consideration.”

“A coward’s death” Shazana Pel growled, although her wings were wrapped rather tightly about herself. “If the need arises, see me and I will gladly kill any one of you.” She shuddered. “I could use a soothing activity right now.”

“Lemme see if I got this right… All that, and there’s still no cake?”

“Why are we here again?” Hatman asked, ignoring Trickshot like the rest of them while looking around the tropical landscape before them. “Not that it isn’t picturesque.”

“The legalities involved in the trading of sentient life forms as slaves is a deep and thorny subject on any planet, and within Earth cultures and the nation of the United States in particular…” the Librarian began. “Really, there are a wide variety of possible charges facing anyone involved, and ramifications range from imprisonment to substantial tax liabilities… If you’d like, I’m sure Ms. Waltz or Mr. Epitome can cite the likeliest of charges and penalties under your legal system”

“I’m already very close to throwing up, thanks” Visionary noted, picking himself off the ground. “In any event, Lisa says that legally Caph IX is the safest place to conduct the ceremony, since it’s an accepted part of the culture here and Earth laws do not apply… except maybe anything involving the IRS.”

If you so desire, I would be happy to stand in as your Accountant upon completion of the ceremony and our return to Earth the Shoggoth offered graciously. Your tax code is easily comprehensible to a mind that operates in at least 5 dimensions… Perhaps with excessive coaching I could walk you through the basics.

“Oh. Something to look forward to then.” Visionary nodded and swallowed very hard. “Did I already mention I might throw up?”

“Master!” a voice called, causing him to glance up the beach. Nine beautiful women emerged from the canopy of trees onto the sandy shore and gracefully bounded towards the gathered Legionnaires and guests, their olive skin and emerald hair glistening in the warm sunlight, their ample flesh barely constrained by their new bikinis.

“Are they running in slow motion?” Trickshot asked in a daze. “I could swear they’re running in slow motion…”

“I’ve had dreams like this…” Nats noted in quiet awe.

Uhuna considerately gave him everybody’s dimension-traveling-induced nausea just for good measure.

“Master! You made it!” Miiri noted happily as the Caphans gathered up before the party. “Mistress Ebony informs us we are back in the wilds of the southern Nailliv Provence…”

Visionary cast a worried glance towards Ebony, who trailed in behind the young women. “Nailliv? Wait, aren’t they…”

The Clan Nailliv has other concerns the Shoggoth assured cryptically. No-one will bother us here.

“It is a wondrous place, full of life and beauty!” Luuma assured him “Please, let us show it to you!”

Visionary glanced at Ebony, who trailed in behind the young women. “Go ahead” she nodded. “We have time before the ceremony. It would make them happy and, I think, help you as well.”

With a thankful wave, he allowed himself to be lead away by the eager young women.

“How the hell do these kinds of things happen to Visionary, of all people?” Kerry wondered aloud, watching the nine voluptuous monochromatic supermodels flock around him. “Karmically, shouldn’t he be getting boils on his tuckus or something instead?”

“Just lucky I guess” Fleabot noted bitterly over the sound of Nats retching. “Now, who wants to help me trap a rabid bobcat?”

There was a mechanical squelch as Asil stomped him into the sandy surf.

Visionary leaned back against a tree in an idyllic little clearing and watched as Noona, Odoona and Losiira tried to coax a flock of small yellow bird-like things out of the nearby treetops with some seed spread liberally on the ground. “You’d likely have more luck if you quit throwing the food at them.” he noted to the women. “Or, failing that, moved to something heavier… like throwing fruit. A banana and some good aim will get them down.”

Losiira nodded, but he thought he caught her rolling her eyes and giving the others a wry smile. In any event, they did as he suggested.

“The lohsra-birds will come around” Miiri assured him, gracefully lowering herself beside him. “Once they realize they’re not dealing with predators any longer, they’ll become less skittish.” She looked up at him slyly. “But then, you know something of coaxing skittish creatures into trusting you.”

Visionary flushed. “I had a lot of helpful advice” he admitted. “Yo, and Sarah, and Ebony, and Blargelslarch…” He looked at her apologetically. “When it comes to helping you all get over your ordeals, they were the ones who really knew how to craft a suitable recovery for you… I mostly just let you do the vacuuming and some light dusting.”

“There is no need to be modest, Master…” she informed him warmly. “We all know what you’ve done for us. And, in addition, the dusting you allowed was quite substantial.”

“Um… That’s not really my fault… there was this misunderstanding with Yo about the nature of dust bunnies, and it was easier to let him try to grow a crop on top of the fridge than argue about it.” He took her hand and smiled at her. “You’re still calling me “master”, by the way. I thought we agreed to work on that when we first met” he reminded her.

She nodded. “My apologies, Master… But I only get to use the title for a little while longer.”

“I can probably suffer it out” he admitted. He reached out and squeezed her hand, then leaned back against the tree while she did the same. He sighed before continuing. “Everything here really is lovely” he noted. “I’m told Lemuria is also very beautiful, bustling with life much like here… and with the Shoggoth watching over you I can’t imagine anyplace you could be safer from recapture by the Lovetoads or anyone else… But…”

“You wonder if we might not wish to remain here on our home planet” she finished for him. “That is why you and Ebony set the Vina Drea here. To give us a choice to return home, to our way of life.”

“Mmmm” Visionary noted noncommittally, looking slightly ill. “As much as I dislike the idea, returning here does need to be a choice open to you.” He looked at her sadly. “I did promise to never make you do anything you didn’t want to do. The Shoggoth and I won’t make you go to Lemuria if you’d rather stay here.”

Her dark green eyes met his. “We were raised to not think of our own wishes for the future, and certainly never speak them to a master. Their choice would be to go wherever our master would have us go. Still, I can tell you this… What we would want most for ourselves is simply to stay together. After all we’ve been through… all we’ve seen and done… that much I know is true of all of us.” She looked at her home planet sadly. “I do not believe we can be assured of that here.”

Visionary nodded with a soft smile. “I’ll admit I’m relieved. Of course, if you’re going to Lemuria, well… you don’t have to remain slaves to stay there. Your freedom is yours for the taking, whenever you wish.”

Miiri smiled slyly. “Now who is throwing the seed?” she asked teasingly, then sighed. “The idea… isn’t quite the nightmare it was” she confided in him. “I have spoken to the others, individually… There is… reason for you to hold out hope for someday. But many are confused and frightened… it will take time before we can say with any certainty what we want for ourselves... and we have been through too much together for those with certainty to leave the others behind at this point.”

Visionary nodded in understanding. “I guess we have a ceremony to get to, then.”

“Do we not have a little more time, Master?” Miiri asked hopefully.

“Well, the others are unhappy with me already… so I guess making them wait a little longer couldn’t hurt much more” he allowed. “And Nats might be throwing up still anyway...”

“Let us hope so.”

And the two of them sat comfortably hand in hand and watched the others feed the birds.

Epilogue:

Wilton Manor, Christmas

Visionary stood on the balcony as the snow fell down gently across the English countryside, enjoying the simple peace of the scene after all that had happened. Behind him, Wilton Manor was alive with the sounds of revelers enjoying the holiday season. He had to hand it to Sir Mumphrey… this was exactly what they all needed after their trauma with the Hellraisers… The simple joy of not just reuniting, but coming together as friends and family. Of course, some had come further than others…

“We have never seen snow before” a soft voice noted with quiet wonder as she walked up behind him. “This level of cold is a new sensation as well… It’s surprisingly bracing… almost stimulating.”

“Yes, er… so I see” Visionary blushed facing the green hued woman who was still wearing little more than a bikini. He gave her a warm embrace, both from affection and from an effort to wrap her in his coat. “I’m glad you could make it, Miiri.”

“As are we, Mas… Visionary” she said happily. “Although the trip wasn’t pleasant. Losiiri turned decidedly pink with queasiness.” She disengaged herself from him, but captured his hand confidently. “We have missed you.”

He smiled at her. “I’ve missed all of you as well. The condo has felt positively empty since you all left. Well, that is... I suppose I should say it did…, and still would, rather, but...”

Her face darkened with concern. “We have heard disturbing things about what has happened to you since we have gone. That you are now not only a Master without slaves, but without even basic possessions or shelter. That the House of Visionary is shattered and disgraced.”

“The house and everything in it is pretty much gone, yeah… but I’m not sure how it’s disgraced. I mean, houses don’t get embarrassed. Well, maybe the Mansion and Herringcarp do… I get some weird feelings about both of those… but not the condo. If it did, it likely would have objected about the wallpaper in Yo’s room long ago…” He smiled reassuringly. “Everyone at the condo came through the ordeal all right. More than that… I couldn’t be more proud of all of them. You should have seen what Kerry and Fleabot were able to do…” A new concern filtered across his face. “Wait… My being poor… That doesn’t reflect negatively on all of you now, does it? I mean, you transferred to the Shoggoth’s family… surely nobody in the universe could suggest that you belong to anything but a powerful and wealthy House…” He looked at her sheepishly. “I’ll understand if, by comparison, you want to leave your time with me off of your resumes, though.”

“Our concern is not for our reputations!” Miiri declared vehemently. “You should not be destitute! We know you took us to the appraiser so that we would know the value of the currency that was exchanged for us! The necklaces worn by Deeela, Sayaana, and Philaana are worth a fortune on any planet… you asked for more than their value for each and every one of us! It was an obviously absurd price that the Shoggoth paid without blinking.”

“I don’t think the Shoggoth blinks… well, ever. And besides, it definitely helped that I told him how much you all enjoyed watching that “Inuyasha” cartoon” Visionary noted teasingly. He looked at the young woman openly fuming at him and was secretly delighted. “It still wasn’t nearly enough equal to your collected worth” he added seriously.

“No… None of your thinly veiled attempts to impart lessons onto us… Not now” she ordered. “How is it you do not have the wealth to rebuild a palace such as this one ten times over? Surely even Kerry could not have spent such vast fortunes by now.”

“Well, she gave it a good go leading up to the ceremony. Once I got back and explained things to her, we were able to return most of what she bought. At least, what we could find receipts for… I still find it suspicious that Yo’s bunny coincidentally ate all the credit slips for that one entire ensemble, including the shoes and matching acetylene torch…”

“Don’t change the subject…” Miiri demanded impatiently. “Explained what things to her?”

Visionary looked at the angry Caphan with more than a little satisfaction in his eyes. “Okay… but it was supposed to be a surprise…”

“I… do not understand, Master” Noona said hesitantly, pulling a handful of envelopes from the stuffed mailbag.

The Shoggoth bubbled happily, but it was Ebony who answered. “They are the letters of women from around the world…” she explained. “… written or transcribed specifically to thank you, all of you, for giving them the chance to become whatever they wish to be.”

Luuma stared in confusion at her own mailbag. “How do they know us? Why should they thank us?”

Visionary scratched his neck sheepishly. “Um… because that’s where the money from the Vina Drea actually went…” he admitted. “Ebony and I, with help from Lisa, Sarah and others, arranged the formation of scholarship funds in each of your names, covering areas all over the world. These are letters from the first recipients of those funds, thanking you and telling you what they hope to do with the opportunities for education the scholarships provide them.”

“But…” Miiri argued, shifting through her bundle of post hesitantly. “We had nothing to do with this…”

Not true the Shoggoth gurgled. The redistribution of wealth in human society requires an impetus. They are not yet at a stage of development where true equality can be appreciated or maintained based on simple need. Such models cause them to fall too easily into caste systems of servitude rife with abuse. Though it is galling, it is not my place to solve these problems for them. As such, the needs of accommodating your culture provided a clear opportunity which was latched onto by Ebony and Visionary.

“I think what he’s saying…” Visionary added for his own clarification as much as anything, “…is that none of this would have happened if you hadn’t come to Earth. You may not have planned on benefiting others by coming here, but you did. Trust me… as someone who seems to accidentally stumble into things myself, you shouldn’t look that gift horse in the mouth.”

“There are… horses involved?” Deeela asked curiously.

“Figure of speech” he assured her. “Actually, the letters are our gift to you this year. Everyone in the house has offered to read them to you during your visit… Although you may have to ask around depending on the language your letters are written in… I’m a little rusty on Cantonese, for instance. But I was hoping that next year… Well… I was hoping… that you might read them to us.”

The Caphans’s eyes went wide at this suggestion, and they took in the obscure scribblings with intimidation. “No slave is taught to read or write…” Miiri noted softly.

“Yes, I know.” He smiled at her. “I never promised to stop my thinly veiled attempts altogether, now did I? Besides, you all know us pretty well by now. You know how much that effort on your part would mean to us. You know how precious a gift that would be.”

The green skinned women looked at each other thoughtfully. “We… will try, Master, Mistress, Visionary… As a gift to you.” Deeela answered for them. “It seems the least we can do after all of this.”

Miiri smiled wryly. “Yes, funny how that works out, isn’t it? Although perhaps having the free will to make ones’ own choices is a little less intimidating when others conspire to make the choices quite so clear.”

“Are they calling me transparent again?” Visionary asked Ebony with a hint of self satisfaction.

I have personally never found transparency to be a limiting state the gelatinous Shoggoth gurgled.

“And on that note…” Ebony said, rolling her eyes, “…Let’s get dressed for dinner.”

“What?” Visionary demanded of the excessively grinning Yo-being that was straightening his tie for him. “Why are you smiling at me like that?”

“Is good to see you happy for a change” Yo answered simply, brushing off his teammate’s lapels.

“You are looking pretty smug” Lisa noted clinically as met up with them on the grand staircase in answer to the dinner gong. “Things went well with your harem, I take it?”

“They’re not my harem… and yes, things did” He admitted. “I think they really like Lemuria, and they seem truly happy and at peace for the first time since I met them. They’re even open to trying things that would have made them cringe months ago.”

“They were ready to try sex with you when they first showed up…” Lisa pointed out. “Their cringe reflex was obviously out of whack from the get-go.”

He magnanimously ignored the barb. “In any event, personally it’s just nice to have gotten through this whole thing without being eaten, or ritually decapitated, or whatever it is that Shoggoths do” he noted, subconsciously rubbing his neck.

“Oh, is plenty more chances for that” Yo assured him.

Visionary blinked. “Wait… what?”

“Cute Ebony was saying that the Shoggoth is to be offering you visiting rights to Lemuria whenever you wish. Quite the honor. So I am sure you will be seeing much more of cute Deeela and Sayaana, Philaana, Luuma, Noona, Kaara, Losiira, Odoona and Miiri for some time to be coming.”

“Which, when you think about the size of their usual outfits, is hard to imagine” Lisa added. “But hey, you’ve lasted this long without taking advantage of 9 incredibly gorgeous, half-dressed slave-girls on pain of death. What’s another 50 or so years?”

Visionary glanced towards the first floor washroom and speculated on the size and age of the plumbing system as a means of escape, then back up the stairway as the nine ladies in question made their entrance, beaming with excitement and waving to him.

“Sounds pretty good to me” he admitted with a smile.

Post By Visionary, finishing up the 1st Caphan story with help from the Manga Shoggoth Sun Feb 20, 2005 at 11:48:47 am EST	Subject Rituals and Exchanges

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